In my skin

Today I was sitting at a window in my house, looking out through the rain at a couple of deer eating in the field next door. I was completely at ease while doing this, no inner turmoil, no what if ideas going through my head, and I wondered why I love watching animals so much. I thought about this as I watched and came to understand the reason.

I don’t feel right in my skin. This started some time ago, around the time that I got out of shape and stopped being active every day. Mind you, I don’t believe this to be a physical thing as much as a mental thing, but I don’t feel in touch with my body anymore. It feels almost like wearing a suit that I clumsily control from inside. There in is what I love about watching animals, deer in particular.

If you sit and watch an animal doing just about anything, you can see the grace and ease they move with. I never feel that their bodies are awkward to them, that they aren’t fully connected to every fiber of themselves. To me, watching a deer walking around and eating is like watching a ballet. The movement is pure, and graceful. Each movement has a purpose and precision to it.

I want to be that way. There was a time that I was. I think it’s time to get back there.

A new chapter starts.

For those of you who know me, you know what my last year was like. For those that don't, I'll just say it was not a good year. This year, with the birth of my second child, it was time to stop the tailspin. I started analyzing my life, with the help of my wife, friends, and a paid professional, I have started to piece together the problems I have been having and what their root causes are. Today, while out kayaking with a friend, I came to another realization. I feel, at this point in my life, more disconnected from nature than ever before.

I have always been an outdoorsy person, always spent the majority of my time outside. With the onset of fatherhood, and a full time career, I found myself outside less and less. As I trace back, I realize this is where the problems started, the time that I started to feel less and less stable. Over the course of the past four years, culminating in the hell of last year, I lost myself. This is my new start, a time to rediscover my connection with nature, and hopefully through that, myself.